WARNING!
THIS POST CONTAINS PHOTOGRAPHS OF HARD PORNOGRAPHY WHICH READERS MAY FIND OFFENSIVE OR DISTASTEFUL. DO NOT READ IF YOU THINK YOU WILL FIND THIS OFFENSIVE. THIS BLOG IS BEHIND AN INTERSTITIAL AND YOU CANNOT HAVE REACHED IT WITHOUT HAVING READ OR IGNORED A WARNING ABOUT ITS ADULT NATURE.
I accept that I'm going to have nothing that I want, and can't even have simple pleasures like eating the food I enjoy, so why try to be a nice healthy normal guy - I'm not, I'm a lonely perverted yet utterly inexperienced fuck up, and I might as well face it that I have as a man nothing to interest women in having a romantic or sexual relationship with me. All that thinking or hoping they might has ever brought me is sadness and sorrow.
I'm still sad and sorrowful to think what my portion has been and will be, three women kissed in a lifetime is very little, but the fact is that sometimes that is all someone gets. Sometimes babies and children die without having experienced anything but pain. The world is not a kind place, and I had my chance, waited too long, and made myself ill, and it will not come again.
The only thing that I have left to me in my daily life that even approaches a pleasure, an interest, a hobby, is pornography, so I've decided I might as well enjoy what I can.
Yesterday I went to the library and posted the previous post. I had spent most of the morning and early afternoon in tears at my lack of anything in my life, particularly at the absence of love, and the realisation, based on a programme I'd heard on Radio 5 on the topic, that even when I've lost weight I will have hanging aprons and flaps of skin that will make me physically repulsive and inhibited, as much as being fat does. I'll still lose the weight, but I no longer hold any hope of having any love, any woman in my life once I have.
Leaving the library at around three in the afternoon I walked from Eccles across the whole of Salford to Castlefield, St Peters Square, Piccadilly, Oldham Street, and Shude Hill, stopping only to buy a small piece of computer equipment from Maplins.
About half way across Salford I decided to go and look for some pornographic magazines in Manchester. I've not bought pornography for a year, barring a couple of magazines bought from a local newsagents a couple of months ago on the off-chance. All the pornography I've looked at has been downloaded.
I knew from last year that very few shops even in Manchester now sell pornography, and those that do are either hole in the wall con-artists, ridiculously over-priced, or newsagents stocking just mild nudey mags aimed at the Nuts/Zoo type teenage lad who just wants the same sort of photographs of tarty girls he'd find in those, but showing a glimpse of fanny.
As of last year I know of only one old-style porn newsagents, owned by an indian guy and situated just off Oldham Street facing Affleck's Palace, so footsore I walked to this shop in the hope that there might be a new issue of Buttman in. Buttman is a magazine published by the American porn actor John Stagliano, who is one of the few people in porn who seems to do what he does because he's personally obsessed with it. The magazine doesn't need much description, the subject is summed up in the title, although Buttwoman might be closer. I've bought every copy of Buttman I've ever seen, since one of the very first issues about ten years ago
As far as "mainstream" pornography goes, Buttman is as close to my taste as it gets. It is focussed almost entirely on women showing their bottoms, women being buggered, and similar topics of anal play.
In the shop I could find only a couple of old issues of Buttman, so I bought a couple of mainstream porn magazines, the final issue of Legsex and a copy of 18eighteen, which used to be one of my favourite magazines when it was called Babyface, but which has lost a lot of its appeal for me since it stopped emphasising the youthfulness of its models.
I used to buy leg mags because the models were photographed full-body, rather than in crotch poses. and they were usually more or less dressed and there was a lot of emphasis on their bums because of the focus on their calfs and thighs, and I used to buy teen mags because I feel teenaged girls are something I've missed out on and will now never know. I know women in general are something I've missed out on, but there's still a chance I might fuck a 35 year old prostitute, but none that I'll have an 18 year old girlfriend. Also I liked that such magazines didn't dress their models in sexy clothes.
I bought the copy of 18eighteen because of the set of the girl on the cover, who is absolutely flat chested, which I prefer. I suppose that when I was buying lots of magazines, leg magazine and teengirl magazines were the two types of magazines I bought most of after bum mags and anal sex mags.
I had another quick look at the old copies of Buttman to make sure I hadn't overlooked the new issue, and the shop owner, who lives near me and who I chat to, suddenly said,"There is a new issue, it is over here". And it was. An absolutely new copy with a superb cover.
It's not the best issue of Buttman I've ever seen, there aren't enough photographs of women with widely dilated arseholes and visible rectums, no milk enemas, and not enough deep anal insertions, and there are no sets by Belladonna, who is one of the few women in porn who is clearly as obsessed and driven as the men, and ldelights in giving other women deep anilingus. That said it's still an good issue, and the set that the cover photo is taken from is perfectly to my tastes, with emphasis on the heaviness of the women's buttocks, held open poses showin good inviting strong muscular arseholes, and a bit of half-hearted sodomy by some anonymous guy which is made acceptable for me because it ends with one woman sucking the cock that has just been up the other woman's arse.
I sat in Shude Hill bus station looking in my bag at this copy of Buttman, thinking what a good selection of sets there were in it, and feeling that my £7.99 was well spent. I didn't wank when I got home, that can wait until during the week when I'm stuck for something to cheer me up. Even wanking is hard work these days with a flaccid cock.
When I got home I cooked a pork steak and had some salad with it and then went online to see wheher I could find some more extreme material. I went to ImageFap first, which is easily the biggest free porn gallery on the web, and which seems to have galleries of photographs of everything legal.
The best new gallery I found was one of women crying or looking otherwise unhappy or distressed while they were being fucked or spanked or tied up. I also found some extreme breast bondage. Easily the best things I found were in the Scat galleries, a pretty dark haired european woman, fully dressed, shitting in public in various places, passing good big healthy long stools squatting by a stream in a summer frock, kneeling by a wire fence in a cat suit with the seat ripped open at the seams and so on.
It's unusual to find photographs of white women shitting that aren't gross-out german shit-play. I'm not interested in seeing sexual shit-play, all I want to see is a normal woman having a normal shit. The japanese do this sort of thing with style and a surprising aesthetic sense, and as I find japanese women generally attractive, I'm happy to collect the japanese material, but it's good to find well-taken photos of an attractive young white woman shitting.
Along with a couple of photos of a young japanese woman dressed as a waitress shitting a sturdy turd in an alley, these are the best female shitting photos I've found on ImageFap and probably gave me the biggest turn-on I've had in a while.
I also found some nice non-nude stuff on one of the chan image boards and a fantastic if small format set of one of my favourite ever models on ImageS0urce, just an ordinary domestic interior with her naked, and mostly not posing explicitly, but I've always found her so lovely that this was a must-have.
I know that most people would find my sexual tastes at best stupid and distasteful, at worst sickening and nasty, but I'm determined not to be ashamed. I don't like being like this and I didn't consciously choose it, but I'm stuck with it.
Had I had a life, this stuff might never have interested me, but I haven't had a life. I wish I was otherwise, and had I been told at 20 that this would be my life at 50, I would have killed myself.
I may yet do so.
But in the meantime I have to get through the desolate hours and days with something.
It's all sad stuff really, but it's all I've got, so I might as well enjoy it. I'm certainly not going to enjoy a relationship in real life, like normal people do.
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